GH3 pictured with large erection at the start of the 2013 Midsummer Nightmare in Purbeck

Scrum Muffin (Claire) and I arrived at 2.30am on the Friday evening whilst some ‘sideways dew’ was condensing in large droplets and there was a light 30-40 mph breeze. We got a comfortable restful 5 hours sleep in a spacious and luxurious tent far far larger than the famous ‘vango banshee 200’ tent of Greensand Way fame. The GH3 campers were easy to find as they had a large erection in the corner of the field that we all got familiar with over the weekend. 

After being woken to the smell of bacon cooking, G Force nagging and the noise of ‘sports drink’ being poured we were ready to set off just before the crack of noon.  This time is chosen so that the fastest ‘front running bastard’ should theoretically reach the first pub stop a mile away at exactly noon when the pub can serve alcohol. I had a bottle of Bud 66 to cram some final carbs into my system for such a long run ahead. 

Knee Trembler, Light Bite and Scrum Muffin go for a ride

We would follow a map kindly made for us by Under Developed and ignored by almost all the hashers.  For those lacking moral fibre or cartiladge there were potential shortcuts and bike friendlier routes. 

We passed under the  railway track and Scrum Muffin got very excited as an old slow steamy one chuffed by. We also saw a Steam Train. 

Scrum Muffin has a Traingasm

At the first pub we had a pint of 6X each to top up our carb levels. I saw a massive cock round the back and there were some chickens in the pub garden too.

Bomb Bandit and Scrum Muffin at the first pub.

We lazed around in the Pub Garden enjoying the Cloudshine for a surprisingly short amount of time before it was time to leave The Castle Inn and head south to our second pub The Scott Arms.

Knee Trembler, Shit for Brains, Light Bite , Under Developed and Spotted Dick enjoy some sports drink

This next stage of the run was where I entered new territory. Ive run tired before…but not shitfaced.  As we crossed Corfe Common I could see on the map where we needed to get to and there were no set footpaths so i took the most direct route I could find….straight through a bog.  Other hashers followed me cursing my name and Scrum Muffin got sucked off (lost shoe in mud).

It was also the start of a military bromance between Spotted Dick and Bomb Bandit that would blossom as the day went on. They had both been in the Army during the Korean war and had many experiences in common. 

Bomb Bandit and Spotted Dick cross Corfe Common

We had more sports drink at the Scott Arms and then set off south for the coastal path. While we were there Bomb Bandit and I took advantage of the telescope to look at a very large old tall crumbly thing in the distance. 

Medium Pecker

We were now running the famous ‘Houns Tout’ route which is french for very windy. Most of the signs and names in this area are French because we are so close to France. Later that day when we ran near Dancing Ledge Scrum Muffin got a text update on her phone to welcome her to France and remind her of Tescos overseas tariff for calls. 

 As we got to the headland I sensibly donned a jacket which helped increase drag as I ran swaggering into a gentle cooling 50-55mph sideways breeze. Luckily my drunken swaggering was exactly out of sync with the gentle breeze and so I ran straight and true like a pro runner. 

Bomb Bandit has a french lesson

As we got to the top of the cliff I got topless. This topless ‘smack’ (smile with your back) is a tradition that dates back and originates from this blog here http://greensandway2012.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/my-first-topless-photoshoot.html

Little Peckers Fear and Lothing Topless Smack

Next came EPIC RUNNING. Whilst the shortcutting bastards were drinking bad cider and listening to the sugar plum fairy tune on panpipes at The Square and Compass we got to run through some seriously beautiful scenery. 

Scrum Muffin running near Chapmans Pool

It was all very EPIC etc blah blah blah. Then came the steps. All of them. Every step ever made.  So many steps that it was tiring to go DOWN them. Whilst we continued to descend all we could think about was the path in the distance with small bright coloured hashers like dots groaning their way slowly up the ‘Stairway to Hell’. Even Bomb Bandit and Spotted Dick had to stop flirting so they could concentrate on getting right up there….all the way up there. They moaned as they did it. 

Scrum Muffin Going Down

When it was all over and we had got to the top we hadnt realised that the hugely sadistic Under Developed had another shock in store. 

More steps. MORE BLOODY STEPS. I dont quite understand what happened. Its possible that I got spun round in the light 55mph breeze and ran back the way I came but somehow we had another load of steps down and EVEN STEEPER steps AGAIN to go up. I was frankly amazed at the stamina Bomb Bandit and Spotted Dick had, they were both racing to finish before each other and were well out of sight 

Scrum Muffin running up the steps near St Albans head

It was probably the low atmospheric pressure from the altitude that made me feel light headed and enjoy such a fantastic view. Absolutely out of breath with a chest on fire and in total leg agony I felt deeply sorry for the shortcutting bastards who were at that moment probably struggling to get through another lousy pint in the boring warm. Poor them. 

Scrum Muffin and her Hair both looking Epic

Scrum Muffin goes up more steps.

It was on this ascent that we caught up with Ferret and his ‘handler’ G Force.  Whilst Ferret was very vocal and noisy running up the steps G Force was very quiet and peacefully waiting at the top. She is also a dab hand at taking photos with smart phones so we willingly handed my phone to her so she could use her expertise to take a ‘3 way topless smack’ of me , Scrum Muffin and the very noisy Ferret. She gave excellent direction, took into account lighting conditions and got excellent results. 

Little Pecker, Scrum Muffin and Ferret 3 way topless smack

Im amazed at how few Trig Points there are in this area. It may be because there is no point mapping these areas because its technically France.  I thought Id do a quick trig point plank and got photobombed by Ferret. The resulting picture makes for difficult viewing. 

Lee planks a ‘natural’ trig point with a Ferret Photobomb

Further on round the headland we caught up with Under Developed who told us it was ‘only 1.5 miles to the pub ‘ (it was about 3.5). There was the smallest Little Pecker sized lighthouse and some metal commemorative thingy we photographically desecrated. 

Little Pecker on the Coastal Path

Just before we turned inland I bumped into Dr Andrew Dearlove who was out birdwatching. I hadnt seen him since 1997 in Cambridge when I worked with him. I dont know who was more shocked. From his point of view I still appeared to be the crazy clothed drunk I had been back then. Nothing Changes.

We turned inland to head for the pub and Underdeveloped used this opportunity to pass on some of his Ultra Marathon Running Skills by showing us how to walk up hills. I was confused about some of his techniques though as it appeared he had used KT Tape on the outside of his shoes , I must be applying it wrong. 

Little Pecker has a Pie and a Pint of bad Cider at the Square and Compass on the West Coast Path

As is traditional Bomb Bandit had more drink and pie waiting for us on arrival at the Square and Compass  The cider was awful, the pie was brilliant and the pub was full of friendly locals and a weird ambience brought on by panpipe music. 

Some sartorial legwear which got us Down Downs later

After 3 pubs and about 11 miles it was definitely time to experiment with ‘sports brandy’. I had a hip flask available so we set off and gave that a try whilst running.  We were now joined by Lightbite who couldn’t make the mornings run as his Supergroup ‘Chickenfoot’ had been headlining at the Solstice gig at Stonehenge. His band has Chad Smith from the Chili Peppers on drums, Joe Satriani on Guitar and Mark Anthony from Van Halen on Bass.  As the singer Lightbite even wrote a song about me (Little Pecker) you can see the video here 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtPEztmvRRA

Lightbite running on the Coastal Path near Seacombe Cliff

Lightbite powered ahead in a Cognac Fueled Frenzy.  He stopped briefly to pause thoughfully and take in the view whilst looking over a wall. As I got closer I realised he was just offloading some of the cider he had wisely ‘fruit carb loaded’ with at the pub. 

Lightbite with his willy out

We ran past a thing called Dancing Ledge. We were drunk . We didnt really care. 

I dont have words to describe this.

Pub 4 The Ship was closed. I suspect because the Square and Compass phoned ahead and warned GH3 were coming. 

Pub 5 The Kings Arms was a haze for me. As we missed out on a pub stop we had 2 pints here whilst I did my best to make the whole pub smell of my sweat. They were serving a beer called Scrumdiggedy so we diddly.  Having now consumed more alcohol than I have ever done whilst running I was definitely ‘3 pints giggly’ and lost ALL will to run. I unashamedly walked the last mile and half home. 

We had a fine Barbeque and partied late into the night and many Down Downs issued for various offences. Mine was a fashion offence and we also got a new hasher named ‘Mudslide’ Some of us went to bed AFTER 9pm. Raucous. 

Posh filter coffee in army mugs – Morning coffee hasher style

In the morning after a quiet peaceful nights sleep with some heavy dew and only a light 60mph breeze gently wafting round the tent I was again woken to the smell of bacon.

Breakfast Al Fresco with GH3

We then gently put the giant erection away which was hard work as it was quite stiff and needed a hammer. It was also very wet so G Force and Scrum Muffin wiped it up with tissues. I was suffering from a sports condition known as Delayed Onset Over Dehydration Yukkiness or D.O.O.D.Y for short. This didnt hamper me from washing at least one plate up and ‘supervising’ brilliantly from a camp chair with sunglasses on. 

G Force cannot think outside the Box

We then put G Force back in her box ready for next year.

This was by far the most fun Ive had training for Trailwalker. Please dont forget to visit our fundraising page here!

http://www.justgiving.com/ThreeAndAHalfHashers


On On ! 

LP